Why do the days pass so quickly and yet the weeks seem to drag on, why are we not back together as family and friends yet and when will that happen? Why is there more bad news than good news everyday instead of just most days. With all the time that has passed why have I not adjusted to this situation better than I have.
These are some of the questions I pondered a few weeks ago. This is probably how it went for most of us. When they told us we would have to shut down for two weeks I didn't much like that but I knew I could do it, not knowing really what it all meant. Now, it is many more weeks but for safety and health reasons we all go along being big and brave and finding a new normal that really doesn't work and we question them in our own minds. We get face masks and we measure distance everywhere we go. I hyperventilate every time I have to go in a store and I stay away from my dearest love ones and friends. I cook every night, and I hate cooking so often and a glass of wine doesn't taste the same sitting in my kitchen on a Friday night. I want my wine sitting at my favorite restaurants, enjoying it with a lovely talk at the end of the week with Jim and those we might be sitting next to.. I haven't done any of those things for many weeks now. What I have been doing is cleaning and sorting, reading and knitting, and sending cards and notes to my people who are really shut in. I feel so sad for them. I am one of the fortunate ones. I have a lovely home, my husband is with me so I'm not alone, we have everything we need and for the most part we are healthy. Then why on April 29th did I hit a brick wall. I'm talking a big brick wall. I haven't hit a wall like that in almost 30 years. Yes, there have been times when I have gotten a bit anxious over the years but this time I got a bit scared...maybe traveling those old roads again.
A lot led up to it, it wasn't just the virus or the rules, it was other things also but because of the virus I couldn't solve these other problems easily...and I just let my mind run away with it, like it sometimes likes to do. So, a few weeks back on a Saturday night, I said f--k it and went to bed. You know how that goes, right? I didn't go to sleep. One of the things is I'd had an ear ache for over two weeks, been on two different antibiotics and then prednisone and then I threw my back out. Add on a few more things and you get the picture. So here is what I did. I let my mind go to all those bad places and I let myself be sad and when I did all of that I then had to decide how I was going to put myself back together. By the way, it is not easy to write this but I think we all go to the dark side sometimes. That long Saturday night as I lay there next to my sweet dog and with him on the other side of the dog, I gave myself a good pep talk after I figured it all out. You see, for me, and probably for some of you also, I knew I was mourning my old life. You know, the life before the Corona virus. Normally in life when we lose the ones we love or the thing we love through no fault of our own we have a chance to mourn them and to prepare for the loses. We have a chance to wrap our heads around it and as sad as it might be we know that we will be o.k. going forward. Corona virus did not give us that chance to look at where we might have to go, how long it might be and no rules really on how we might safely navigate this. Our government didn't give us many rules either... Two weeks they said and two weeks has now turned into so many weeks and still no one knows when it will be over and how much more we will have to endure. How many more will die? When can I hug my grandsons, see my kids safely and also my dear sweet friends. The list goes on. I'm sure we all have our own questions and thoughts on this. So, as I lay there thinking about this it made sense that I would be sad and have anxiety and yes, some physical pain. Then the light bulb went off, as it always does if I take the time to listen to myself. I had to let go of the belief that some one or some miracle was going to drop from the sky and the flood gates would open and we would all be set free, well again, and return to our normal lives. There is no longer a normal life waiting for us and we have no idea what that will look like for a very long time...so once again I have to become responsible for how I'm going to live my life. How am I going to get back to ground zero and move forward. It's basic my friends, I pick myself up and I dust myself off and I make myself responsible for how I will move into my future. Just like I have done my entire life, with a little help from my friends. It won't be easy and hard choices will fill me with stress and anxiety from time to time. Staying in the moment will lift me up and bring so peace and joy. It's what I ask for each day.
Yesterday, the sun was shining so bright. Trees were popping with color. I love spring. I had a 9am doctors appointment. I was out and the camera was in the car with me. Face mask off, I felt free. I know that in order for me to understand how precious life is I only need to drive to the beach or the woods and that is exactly what I did. Yes, I had some anxiety about being alone on this adventure because really who was there to call on if something went wrong...old thinking. If something went wrong I would call on myself. I ended up at Plum Island a favorite beach and nature preserve that I visit frequently. The preserve was closed but the beach was open. I walked in the sand, and the ocean danced for me, jumping in the air making beautiful waves and sounds as it splashed against the rocks while it settled down again. Back and forth and with each wave I relaxed. I knew that the ocean would always be here for me.
Plum Island Beach…one of my favorites
On the ride home beauty was everywhere. The horses were out. The trees were blooming, white and pink with bits of yellow and purple tossed in. The clouds were floating by like big puffy pillows. The sky, as blue as the little forget-me-knots growing up out of the ground. Best of all was the heat of the sun warming my tired and restless body. I could feel it hugging me while no one else could. Slowly, my world, my life was getting put back together like a giant jigsaw puzzle. All the pieces were starting to fit as each shutter of the camera clicked. A quick stop at the Alfalfa Farm. Little children playing with the animals and the sheep were out just laying in the sun. I laughed at them. They too, needed a good haircut. And a little boy, perhaps two, driving down the road in his little red car. He parked it right next to the little lending library, which unfortunately is now locked, but it was sweet to watch him parked his car and exit. His joy at being with the animals became my joy as I gave him my full attention while being safely distanced. I drank my tea as I watched and I snapped my shutter often.
This was my world. This is my life. I will live it to the best of my ability with all the information that I have and I will see family and friends again in a different way. My grandsons will come and swim this summer. My ear ache will get better and I will continue to take good care of myself and not let my emotions control me. I can't waste another day thinking about what I can't control. I only have control over my own life and so that is what I'm going to do.
We only have this one life...we need to live it the best we can with what we have been given. It's our choice as we move forward. These are not easy days for any of us. I also want to remember that even though it feels like a lot has been taken away from us, so much more of the goodness and beauty still remains. Sometimes I just have to bring it to the top of the pile and the easiest way for me to do that is to get outside. I can't lose sight for very long of my own power to control what is important to me. I can't let my anxiety of today become more anxiety for tomorrow. I want to be strong, to be brave in a Ruth Bader Ginsburg bad ass lady and to keep working for what I want. That's what I'm going to do. I'm also going to find good inspiration and read that. I'm going to find great music and listen to that. I'm going to go to my zoom meditation classes and learn from that. And I'm going to continue doing my zoom meetings for my Tops girls. Most importantly, I'm going to keep in touch with my people. In a safe way until lots of hugs can be enjoyed again.
Sometimes we just have to clear out the cobwebs, say goodbye to the old ways and look at new ways to fill in the missing links. This week is going to be pretty. I have planted my garden. My son came yesterday and brought his gift of mother's day plants for the meditation walking path that he made for me so many years ago on another's mother's day. I could not thank him with a hug but we talked about how that would happen in the future. It was a good day. Saturday Jenna and boys visited with us in Maine and the boys were so happy to be back there at the Maine house. We had a lovely day with a Memorial day cook out. It was good to see them, so good. We are moving on. In our own way with hope for a future full of hugs, whenever that day might come...
“Still, what I want in my life
is to be willing
to be dazzled—
to cast aside the weight of facts
and maybe even
to float a little
above this difficult world. Mary Oliver
”
