For weeks I’ve been in this house with just him and the dog. The dog is good company, he likes to be in his basement working with wood. He’s quiet, I’m a talker. Gracie just goes along with whoever is willing to give her a treat. She is my best friend every day though at tea time. I never miss tea time because she comes and gets me wherever I am right around four o’clock. She’s smart like that. One would think that in going into my third week of being home that I would be making great strides at writing my blog posts . The truth is that although there is a lot I want to say, my mind is stuck. So here I am, no photo’s ready and more importantly wondering what will manage to get on this page. But it is time to start.
Social distancing is hard for me. It’s not my thing. I love people and getting out and shooting and I’m a really big hugger so it took me at least a week for this even to sink in. I truly feel like I’m walking around in a Stephen King kind of twilight zone drama, well more like a sci-fi movie I guess. The thought that keeps running through my head is how can this be? Not in the United States? HOW CAN THIS BE. We have always had control over our country, or so I thought. There are so many levels to this. So much running around through my head that I wonder, no I guess I don’t wonder, by now I know life will never revert back to what it was. That is the real scary part.
So for the first week, while I’m trying to sort all this out. I start cleaning. Perfect, I’m so busy cleaning, deep cleaning that my mind doesn’t have a lot of time to think. I start to feel good about what I’m accomplishing. It needed to be done so here I am doing it all. Bookcases, bathroom medicine cabinets, towels, tea draw and now I’ve got my entire office torn apart and it’s so overwhelming I’m stuck, again. O.K. stop, take a breath...It will all work out. I’m not so sure.
What if my kids get sick, especially my son, who has immune issues. I worry so much about him. I have to stay away. Kids can be carriers even though they don’t have the virus…my grandsons, I have to stay away. My daughter needs me because her dog is sick and he dies and I can’t be with her. What does one do with all that pain? I do a lot of talking to myself these days and I’ve learned, finally, to go one day at a time. I come from a background of high anxiety and agoraphobia…you would think to stay in would be easy for me. At one point in my life, I didn’t leave the house for three and a half years. The crippling fear of the out of doors kept me locked in. This fear is different. I want to break loose and go. I won’t, not yet. It really isn’t that fear of wanting to go. It’s really the old fear reversed but the same underlying problem. I don’t do well when I’m not in control. The realization that I can’t control this is where my fear lives. So slowly every day, I get up, I work out and I clean. I also read, which is a lifesaver right there and honestly, in my mind I try to keep to as much of a normal schedule as I can. When Riley died, I cried. Sadness, is sadness and the virus doesn’t care if you are sad…so you do what you would do anytime sadness hits you. You sit with it and you cry. And you miss that you can’t be together right now. There are also moments of joy in each stubborn day. Years ago, when I started doing meditation I made a saying for myself that I say each morning, “ let me be well, let me be unafraid, let me find peace and joy in every day”. I then wish that prayer for all of my family members and all of my friends and then I send that prayer out into the entire world. That phrase is saving me these days because it keeps me grounded. Yes, these are scary times but I’m been through scary times before and each time I come out of it stronger than I was when I was in it. That’s what will keep me going this time also. Helping others will get me there too. Here is a simple thing anyone can do…send a card to someone who is shut in with no-one to talk to. I used my church membership list and my Tops friends list. Each week several people will get a card and a note. We can go online and write to someone we haven’t talked to in a while. I bet when that note arrives or when they hear the ding of the computer or cell phone and see your name in the header their face will light up like a Christmas tree. Maybe there are other things that you can do…but doing for others helps us. I have also been taking an online meditation class with my son…I love seeing his face, even on the screen, hearing his soft comforting voice brings me to hope that the world will survive this and so will we. The night of the first-class this is what he said and it helped to turn me around, “don’t think of these times as scary, don’t let your mind wander to that place but instead think of this time as a gift. Think of all the things that you have been saying you wanted to do if only you had the time, whatever they might be now you have the time to do them. This is your time to do what you want to do”. It’s true. Let’s focus on that for now. I also went to church online this morning…very weird going to church in my pj’s sitting on my bed with a cup of tea. But you know what, it worked. I paid attention to it. I actually enjoyed it. This too shall pass.
Most importantly remember to go outside, especially if the sun is shining. Get yourself some of that good old vitamin D. Each Friday for many years I would go to breakfast and shopping with my friend Dina, but for right now that is on hold, so, a change of plans, Jim comes along with me now. We make a brown bag breakfast with bagels, cream cheese, and some fruit. Our special treat is coffee and tea from McDonald’s. I love their tea. We drive to a beach and we sit and have our breakfast while watching the waves roll in and the seagulls do their aerial dance for us. We get outside after breakfast and walk. I take photos and before you know it the morning has turned into the afternoon and we head home, happy for this day and this time together. Try to find something that you love to do also. Hey, it wasn’t pancakes, although we did that the first week and Jim was not thrilled with trying to cup pancakes on his lap in the car with plastic silverware and maple syrup…hence the bagels. It not where you go or what you do, it’s that we all should just try to make the best of a bad situation. Doing something different is o.k., you might get to like it. Here are a few photos from our first two Fridays…the one above is our walk at Lighthouse Beach in Gloucester, as is the one below. Gracie got to come. As you can see, neither of us is good at taking selfies.
Lighthouse Beach…Annisquam, Gloucester, Mass
This is history that we are living through and I’m sure most would say they don’t mind not being part of this kind of history…it stretches us too much. It feels really uncomfortable sometimes and living this quietly is sometimes scary, especially if you live alone. Reach out, step out and sort out in all the ways that feel right to you. Soon, this will be over and hopefully we will all be well when we get to the other side. Then what: maybe we will find out that we are stronger than we think, that we can do hard things wonderfully. That we learn to love being quiet now that we know what it feels like. Maybe the big lesson will be family first, slower is better, taking notice takes on a new meaning. Maybe a change of plans is much easier than we once thought. Spring is on the way…hold on for one more day.
“In a rush to return to normal,
use this time to consider which
parts of normal are worth
rushing back to. David Hollis”
Photos: Coffee shop, social distancing. Lanesville, Gloucester, Sandy Point Beach, Newbury,
Out on a limb, my backyard , Short earred owl, Parker River Salt Marsh, Newbury, Mass.
Thank you to all who come and visit and leave a comment. It is always a joy to see you here. Stay well, stay safe, stray strong…
